


Hail Sithis

by CrystallineGreen



Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Elder Scrolls Online, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Angst, Angst and Humor, Apples, Assassination, Assassins & Hitmen, Astrid Needs A Hug, Attempted Murder, Bad Humor, Bad Puns, Betrayal, Between Rage and Serenity, Black Hand, Bretons (Elder Scrolls), Cartoon Physics, Childishness, Dark Brotherhood (Elder Scrolls) - Freeform, Dark Brotherhood Questline, Elder Scrolls Lore, F/M, Fetish, First Meetings, Fruit, Getting high, Group chat, Grumpy Old Men, Hail Sithis, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Imperials (Elder Scrolls), Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inappropriate Humor, Innuendo, Insults, Jesters, Khajiit (Elder Scrolls), Killing, Listener - Freeform, Mercy Killing, Minions, Murder, Murderers, Mushrooms, Nords (Elder Scrolls), Oblivion Crisis, Parody, Pets, Poison, Poison Apples, Poisoning, Puns & Word Play, Rage, References to Drugs, Sanctuary, Silencer - Freeform, Silly, Skeleton Puns, Skeletons, Skyrim Main Quest, So Wrong It's Right, Speaker, Stupidity, Swearing, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Void, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Uniforms, Vampires, Werewolf, Werewolves, multi-chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25168984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystallineGreen/pseuds/CrystallineGreen
Summary: In order to keep the members of the Dark Brotherhood in contact with one another, Speaker Terenus creates a group chat and invites several…distinct individuals to join, although may be in over his head.
Relationships: Arnbjorn/Astrid (Elder Scrolls)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. The Point

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you have too much fun writing group chats.
> 
> Picking the characters was tough, because there are so many. Instead of going for the most obvious, I decided on the ones that could provide the most stupid comments. Yet, as with my other group chat stories, I can always have guests.

**_Speaker Terenus_ ** _created the group **Hail Sithis**_

**Speaker Terenus:** now ive made this as a better way to coordinate our forces

 **Festus:** get rid of the fucking speaker title nobody gives a shit

 **Speaker Terenus:** no

 **Speaker Terenus:** now everybody listen up so i can inform you all of why this now exists

 **Lerexus:** he has a bone to pick with you

 **Lucien:** hehehe

 **Festus:** shut the fuck up both of you

 **Vicente:** undead jokes are offensive

 **Lerexus:** but im undead and i made the joke

 **Vicente:** then you should know better

 **Lucien:** why are you always like this

 **Vicente:** like what

 **Lucien:** THIS

 **Vicente:** i dont understand

 **Lucien:** why cant you see what youre like

 **Lucien:** AHHHHHHHHHH

 **Lerexus:** dont have a boner about it

 **Lucien:** hehehe

 **Lucien:** wait what

 **Speaker Terenus:** can i please explain the point of all this

 **Festus:** get the fuck on with it

 **Astrid:** why do you get to be admin of this chat terenus

 **Astrid:** i should be admin

 **Astrid:** i built the dark brotherhood back up from nothing

 **Festus:** bullshit

 **Lucien:** second

 **Astrid:** its true

 **Vicente:** i find lies offensive

 **Festus:** i find your face offensive

 **Vicente:** mean

 **Festus:** yeah i get that a lot

 **Speaker Terenus:** please everybody

 **Lerexus:** everybody

 **Speaker Terenus:** thank you

 **Lerexus:** find your happy place

 **Speaker Terenus:** ugh

 **Lucien:** we only love the void

 **Festus:** thank you captain obvious

 **Lucien:** :<

 **Astrid:** be nice to him

 **Festus:** why

 **Vicente:** everybody gather in a blood circle and hug our rage away

 **Festus:** did they teach you that at vampire school

 **Vicente:** yes actually

 **Vicente:** would you like to be enrolled

 **Lucien:** say no

 **Astrid:** dont make him immortal please

 **Astrid:** i dont want an eternity of grumpy old man in my sanctuary

 **Lucien:** its not your sanctuary

 **Astrid:** it is i squatted first

 **Lerexus:** would you rather have an eternity of my jokes

 **Lucien:** say yes

 **Astrid:** i dont want any of it

 **Speaker Terenus:** what would you like

 **Astrid:** to be recognised for all the good i did

 **Festus:** bullshit

 **Lucien:** second

 **Vicente:** what good did you do

 **Astrid:** well i

 **Astrid:** i mean

 **Astrid:** i killed some people and attempted to kill some others

 **Lucien:** who didnt deserve it

 **Astrid:** shut up

 **Vicente:** the important thing here is you tried

 **Festus:** go to the fucking anti void you vampire hippy

 **Vicente:** why are you so angry

 **Lerexus:** a question for the night mother methinks

 **Speaker Terenus:** astrid i have a great way to prove yourself

 **Astrid:** ooh whats that

 **Speaker Terenus:** perform the black sacrament again so i can summon the night mother to get on with explaining the point of anything im doing

 **Astrid:** D:


	2. Almost The First Proper Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do feel like Lerexus and Lucien would have a really good rapport going with their terrible senses of humour.

**Lerexus:** weve delayed you enough so please tell us why this is a thing

 **Speaker Terenus:** finally

 **Festus:** i told you to get on with it an hour ago

 **Lucien:** we were on missions

 **Astrid:** i wasnt

 **Vicente:** i created a minion

 **Lerexus:** i hope you mean you mean a vampire and not something annoying and yellow

 **Vicente:** a vampire yes

 **Lerexus:** phew

 **Astrid:** i wanted to kill someone or something

 **Festus:** nobody fucking cares

 **Astrid:** i care

 **Festus:** you know that never counts

 **Speaker Terenus:** okay im just going to tell you all and i dont care about interruptions or nobody listening anymore

 **Lerexus:** okay

 **Speaker Terenus:** so while we work on rebuilding the dark brotherhood sanctuaries and numbers back up

 **Speaker Terenus:** this group chat is designed for us to all keep in touch

 **Lucien:** even across time and space

 **Speaker Terenus:** lucien you know very well that sithis and the void can bend physics

 **Speaker Terenus:** now stop being sarcastic

 **Lucien:** ill be good

 **Lerexus:** dont you mean

 **Lerexus:** bad to the bone

 **Lucien:** hehehehe

 **Lerexus:** hehehehe

 **Festus:** fuckin kill them both again i cant stand it

 **Astrid:** can i do it

 **Astrid:** i would actually like a contract

 **Vicente:** please dont betray us all again

 **Speaker Terenus:** yes some other time

 **Astrid:** aw

 **Astrid:** for just a few seconds i had a hope that i could be useful

 **Festus:** well now its dashed to shit so get over it

 **Lucien:** i like the sound of purification

 **Vicente:** not again

 **Lerexus:** weve all heard way too much about your purification fetish

 **Speaker Terenus:** no purifications

 **Lucien:** i dont have a fetish

 **Lucien:** well i do but its not for that

 **Lerexus:** apple fetish

 **Astrid:** how does that even work

 **Festus:** you mean to tell me a speaker fucks apples

 **Festus:** what kind of crazy sect is this

 **Vicente:** the best kind

 **Lerexus:** long as you dont fuck a poisoned apple again lucien

 **Lucien:** no that was a really bad idea

 **Lerexus:** hehehehe

 **Lucien:** hehehehe

 **Vicente:** are you being serious

 **Festus:** by the fucking void

 **Astrid:** im not even going to ask

 **Astrid:** assuming its all true and moving on

 **Speaker Terenus:** moving on sounds really good to me right now

 **Speaker Terenus:** REALLY good

 **Lerexus:** its the pictures isnt it

 **Speaker Terenus:** yes

 **Speaker Terenus:** please take them away

 **Vicente:** send a letter to your listener

 **Speaker Terenus:** gladly

 **Vicente:** so what is our first meeting about

 **Festus:** oh shits were actually going to get things done

 **Festus:** i just thought this was an insult lounge

 **Astrid:** a what

 **Speaker Terenus:** this is also going to be where we suggest improvements to make to the dark brotherhood

 **Vicente:** with permission from the night mother and sithis i hope

 **Speaker Terenus:** of course

 **Lerexus:** hes not new to this you know

 **Festus:** couldve fooled me

 **Lucien:** so what is actually on the agenda

 **Lucien:** is there a list

 **Speaker Terenus:** the list is a work in progress

 **Astrid:** whats first

 **Speaker Terenus:** uniforms

 **Festus:** damn i know where this is going


	3. Uniforms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I feel bad that Festus is the most fun to write?

**Speaker Terenus:** ive received complaints that our uniforms are dull

 **Speaker Terenus:** also that the black runs in the wash

 **Speaker Terenus:** and its a giant flag to everybody now that were assassins

 **Astrid:** festus did you send those

 **Festus:** no

 **Festus:** im too busy insulting and beheading to give a rats ass

 **Lerexus:** just before you ask nobody else here has time for that either

 **Astrid:** i do

 **Astrid:** but i like our costumes the way they are

 **Lucien:** costumes

 **Lerexus:** what are you five

 **Astrid:** arnbjorn says its endearing

 **Festus:** tell arnbjorn to fuck himself

 **Astrid:** if you want to get ripped apart by a werewolf then okay

 **Lucien:** can i watch

 **Lerexus:** me too

 **Vicente:** do we get to make our own costumes

 **Festus:** astrid look what you fucking did

 **Astrid:** im sorry

 **Speaker Terenus:** everybody shut up and put forward some ideas for new uniforms

 **Vicente:** can we change the colours

 **Festus:** for the love of dead puppies

 **Lucien:** what colours are dead puppies

 **Astrid:** i feel like i should know this but its been so long

 **Astrid:** i stopped because they reminded me too much of arnbjorn

 **Festus:** shut up about arnbjorn already

 **Vicente:** dont listen to him

 **Astrid:** i dont intend to

 **Speaker Terenus:** any sensible questions

 **Lerexus:** could we make them white

 **Vicente:** do you know how hard it is to get blood out of white

 **Speaker Terenus:** i know why you want them white so no

 **Lerexus:** aw

 **Lucien:** keep them black

 **Speaker Terenus:** noted

 **Astrid:** no make them red

 **Lerexus:** make them buttless

 **Speaker Terenus:** do you wanted to be banned

 **Lerexus:** i want to see how far i can push you

 **Lucien:** add that to your letter

 **Speaker Terenus:** on it

 **Festus:** ban the bastard

 **Vicente:** i know what we could add

 **Festus:** if it involves sequins or flashy colours im going to murder you with fire

 **Vicente:** i wasnt going to say either of those things

 **Astrid:** calm down and have some skooma festus

 **Festus:** i dont want fucking skooma

 **Lerexus:** skooma is about the worst thing for chilling out

 **Festus:** i dont need to chill out

 **Astrid:** actually

 **Lucien:** mushrooms

 **Festus:** put those mushrooms up yourself

 **Lerexus:** wow hes really gone this time huh

 **Astrid:** lucien you would suggest that

 **Lucien:** thats unfair

 **Lucien:** im not high all the time

 **Astrid:** youre a manchild having way too much fun in costume

 **Festus:** theyre not fucking costumes

 **Vicente:** you should join theatre

 **Lucien:** what

 **Lerexus:** maybe we should get back on topic

 **Speaker Terenus:** thank you

 **Festus:** stop trying to put your skeletal head up his ass

 **Speaker Terenus:** FOCUS

 **Astrid:** uh oh

 **Lucien:** need the mushrooms more than ever

 **Speaker Terenus:** dont make me confiscate your blades of woe

 **Vicente:** theres more than one

 **Festus:** apparently

 **Lucien:** mines already confiscated

 **Lerexus:** along with your horsey

 **Lucien:** im sad now

 **Astrid:** aw why did you remind him

 **Festus:** stop moping like an angsty teenager

 **Speaker Terenus:** if it cheers you up we can keep the uniforms black

 **Lucien:** really

 **Speaker Terenus:** yes

 **Festus:** dont indulge him

 **Festus:** slap him around a little

 **Vicente:** youre so mean festus

 **Festus:** to people that deserve it

 **Speaker Terenus:** im not slapping anybody

 **Festus:** pussy

 **Speaker Terenus:** THATS IT IM MAKING THE UNIFORMS BLACK AND RED AND COVERED IN SEQUINS

 **Festus:** fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

 **Festus:** im sorry i promise to be nicer

 **Speaker Terenus:** thats more like it

 **Speaker Terenus:** black hooded cloaks it is

 **Astrid:** now im sad

 **Lucien:** you want a mushroom

 **Astrid:** okay


	4. Ornamental Apple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much going on this time. Picking a chapter name was hard.

**Lucien:** i brought you an apple terenus

**Speaker Terenus:** um thanks

**Speaker Terenus:** i think

**Festus:** fucking teachers pet

**Vicente:** speaker dont eat that

**Speaker Terenus:** dont worry i wont

**Lucien:** vicente dont spoil the surprise

**Speaker Terenus:** oh no the surprise

**Speaker Terenus:** dont spoil it

**Astrid:** for our leader you can be really cruel sometimes

**Speaker Terenus:** you thought i was recruited for my smiles

**Lerexus:** same way they hired festus

**Festus:** eat a dick

**Lerexus:** no

**Lerexus:** seriously though terenus dont eat it

**Lerexus:** you dont want to end up like me

**Speaker Terenus:** highly unlikely

**Speaker Terenus:** woe betide me making puns

**Astrid:** you just have incredible sarcasm

**Speaker Terenus:** i do and im proud of it

**Astrid:** like a daddy

**Speaker Terenus:** what

**Lerexus:** what is this whats happening here

**Astrid:** i meant it in the proper way

**Festus:** you sure

**Lucien:** because it sounded very

**Astrid:** like a father damn it

**Astrid:** not like the other thing

**Lerexus:** save the other thing for your wolfy

**Astrid:** ugh

**Vicente:** astrid

**Astrid:** oh no what

**Vicente:** are you a furry

**Astrid:** what no

**Vicente:** okay

**Vicente:** is arnbjorn a furry

**Lucien:** where did you learn about furries

**Vicente:** as a vampire i need to identify other creatures of the night

**Festus:** good excuse

**Astrid:** okay stop all of you

**Speaker Terenus:** yes please everybody stop whatever this is

**Speaker Terenus:** so we can get on with actual tasks

**Lucien:** the apples actually ornamental by the way

**Lucien:** i brought it because it looked pretty

**Festus:** pretty what the fuck

**Speaker Terenus:** i mean other tasks but okay

**Vicente:** but is it edible

**Lucien:** yes

**Speaker Terenus:** im not eating it

**Speaker Terenus:** ever

**Lerexus:** thank sithis for that

**Speaker Terenus:** it can live on my desk as a pet

**Astrid:** a pet apple

**Lucien:** why didnt i think of that

**Festus:** put down the crack pipe before you get us all assimilated

**Lerexus:** thats a cracking idea

**Speaker Terenus:** enough

**Speaker Terenus:** please before i have astrid end me

**Astrid:** you keep saying you want me to end you and you never reach that point

**Astrid:** i hate being teased

**Festus:** terenus the pussy tease

**Vicente:** by the void

**Lucien:** suppose that makes two of us huh

**Lerexus:** true

**Speaker Terenus:** i think thats enough fun for now

**Speaker Terenus:** lets get down to business please

**Lerexus:** thats what he said

**Lucien:** hehehehe

**Astrid:** except without the please because the ladies like it rough

**Lucien:** hehehehe

**Festus:** what the fuck are you all talking about

**Festus:** virgin boy wouldnt know where to put it if he was shown

**Speaker Terenus:** oooooooookay

**Speaker Terenus:** we need a time out

**Festus:** what on the fucking naughty step

**Astrid:** we have one of those here

**Lerexus:** no astrid its a joke

**Astrid:** our sanctuary had one

**Vicente:** ours too

**Lucien:** i had it installed

**Vicente:** remember when mraaj dar tripped and went flying

**Lucien:** that was fun

**Vicente:** i was going to say it was horrible and that naughty steps should be banned

**Lucien:** oh

**Lucien:** eh why not

**Speaker Terenus:** noted

**Speaker Terenus:** ill get it sent to the listener

**Festus:** oh for crying out loud


	5. Timetable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Terenus having an off day, as all Speakers do.

****Vicente:**** whats on the agenda today dear speaker

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** whats the point

 ** **Astrid:**** of what

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** i have this big to do list and weve covered maybe one thing

 ** **Vicente:**** a thousand mile journey begins with the first step

 ** **Festus:**** you get all philosophical and ill throw leeks at you

 ** **Lucien:**** thats just wrong

 ** **Vicente:**** well thank you lucien

 ** **Lucien:**** throw garlic its more effective

 ** **Vicente:**** im sure that would break a tenet

 ** **Astrid:**** what tenets

 ** **Festus:**** took the words out of my mouth

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** see what i have to put up with

 ** **Lerexus:**** whats the marrow with you all

 ** **Lerexus:**** cant you see our leader is down in the dumps

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** not helping

 ** **Astrid:**** you know what you need

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** dare i ask

 ** **Astrid:**** a party

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** ill admit thats not what i thought you were going to say

 ** **Astrid:**** what did you think i was going to say

 ** **Festus:**** something about fucking mangy wolves

 ** **Astrid:**** thats so typical

 ** **Astrid:**** i talk about other things

 ** **Lucien:**** ignorance of the tenets apparently

 ** **Lerexus:**** so you have two conversation topics

 ** **Astrid:**** why are you all so mean to me

 ** **Lerexus:**** aw its how we show our love

 ** **Lucien:**** thought you knew that much astrid

 ** **Festus:**** she doesnt know shit about shit and thats not changing any time soon

 ** **Lerexus:**** maybe we should add library hour to the timetable

 ** **Astrid:**** we have a timetable

 ** **Festus:**** fuck i feel like im back at school

 ** **Lerexus:**** they had school back in your day

 ** **Lucien:**** which era was that

 ** **Festus:**** fuck off talking xylophone

 ** **Astrid:**** got to admit that sounds amazing

 ** **Lucien:**** can you do that lerexus

 ** **Lerexus:**** ive never tried

 ** **Lerexus:**** terenus please add that to the list

 ** **Speaker**** ** **Terenus**** ** **:**** why

 ** **Vicente:**** people please

 ** **Vicente:**** we should return to the real problem

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** must we

 ** **Vicente:**** please let us cheer you up

 ** **Festus:**** us what us

 ** **Astrid:**** cheering him up sounds good

 ** **Lucien:**** i agree

 ** **Lerexus:**** second

 ** **Festus:**** no

 ** **Astrid:**** everybody but you voted yes

 ** **Astrid:**** so were doing this

 ** **Vicente:**** wonderful

 ** **Festus:**** oh fucking void

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** i was not and didnt think i ever needed to be aware that the dark brotherhood was a democracy

 ** **Lerexus:**** must be recent

 ** **Vicente:**** maybe its for these special occasions

 ** **Festus:**** youre all fucking idiots

 ** **Festus:**** i hate this

 ** **Lucien:**** then it must be good

 ** **Astrid:**** there arent any tenets so can i put a hit on him

 ** **Vicente:**** no you mustnt

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** will it be entertaining

 ** **Vicente:**** are you condoning this

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** i only want to know what they have planned

 ** **Lerexus:**** you heard the man

 ** **Lucien:**** dress up as a jester and kill him in a silly way

 ** **Astrid:**** wait do you mean me or festus

 ** **Astrid:**** or both of us

 ** **Festus:**** what

 ** **Lerexus:**** i want to say both but i promise to be good

 ** **Vicente:**** this is wrong

 ** **Festus:**** youre wrong

 ** **Vicente:**** terenus theyre being so mean

 ** **Vicente:**** help me

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** i like jesters

 ** **Lucien:**** if this is called a purification then i can okay it

 ** **Vicente:**** please stop this nonsense

 ** **Festus:**** i almost want it now

 ** **Lerexus:**** even with the jester outfit

 ** **Festus:**** fuck no to that part

 ** **Lucien:**** why arent we just getting cicero for that

 ** **Festus:**** fuck no more


	6. Relative Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m picturing everyone with their own cubicles in the Void with a desk, computer and personal effects scattered around.

****Lerexus:**** feeling better yet

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** not particularly

 ** **Vicente:**** i know what will cheer you up dear friend

 ** **Lucien:**** fruit

 ** **Vicente:**** thats not what i was going to say

 ** **Lucien:**** terenus whats your favourite fruit

 ** **Vicente:**** lucien please

 ** **Vicente:**** be serious

 ** **Lerexus:**** hes dead serious

 ** **Astrid:**** hehe

 ** **Festus:**** ugh no more fucking bone jokes

 ** **Astrid:**** well terenus

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** what

 ** **Astrid:**** whats your favourite fruit

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** must i answer

 ** **Lucien:**** yes

 ** **Festus:**** youre a fruit freak

 ** **Festus:**** stop making everybody love the damn apples

 ** **Astrid:**** i like apples

 ** **Festus:**** you would

 ** **Astrid:**** harsh

 ** **Festus:**** get over it

 ** **Lucien:**** is liking apples breaking a tenet

 ** **Festus:**** like she would know

 ** **Astrid:**** aw

 ** **Lucien:**** ill send you an apple with a smile carved in it

 ** **Vicente:**** dont eat it

 ** **Lerexus:**** he wont poison it im sure

 ** **Festus:**** bullshit

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** suddenly i dont feel the need to share

 ** **Lerexus:**** let us know so we can send you fruit

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** now i feel even less inclined

 ** **Lerexus:**** if we all shared our favourites would you feel better

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** not understanding how this game works

 ** **Vicente:**** empathy dear speaker

 ** **Festus:**** what the fuck is empathy

 ** **Lucien:**** why am i not surprised

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** i feel like little surprises you lucien

 ** **Lucien:**** correct

 ** **Vicente:**** i am constantly surprised and horrified

 ** **Lucien:**** thank you

 ** **Astrid:**** youre too soft vicente

 ** **Astrid:**** youre a bloodsucker and assassin for sithis sake

 ** **Lerexus:**** a bit blunt

 ** **Festus:**** shes great at that

 ** **Lucien:**** so is her blade

 ** **Lerexus:**** hehehe

 ** **Lucien:**** hehehe

 ** **Festus:**** fuck sake

 ** **Astrid:**** its called the truth

 ** **Festus:**** a first for you

 ** **Astrid:**** thats not fair

 ** **Lucien:**** yes you all know she did all the wrong things for the wrong reasons

 ** **Astrid:**** exactly

 ** **Astrid:**** wait no

 ** **Festus:**** she admitted it you all saw

 ** **Lerexus:**** astrid

 ** **Astrid:**** its not my fault

 ** **Lerexus:**** no i was going to say let vicente down gently

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** he is sensitive

 ** **Vicente:**** i am not that sensitive

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** well actually

 ** **Vicente:**** but

 ** **Lucien:**** are you arguing with the speaker

 ** **Vicente:**** okay

 ** **Vicente:**** i promise not to argue

 ** **Lerexus:**** speaker please just put us all out of our misery

 ** **Astrid:**** by all you mean mine and luciens

 ** **Lerexus:**** yes

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** fine fine

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** i like berries

 ** **Lucien:**** what kind

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** gooseberries

 ** **Vicente:**** delicious

 ** **Lucien:**** you know apples are just big berries

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** in what universe

 ** **Lucien:**** the void

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** okay you have me there

 ** **Astrid:**** is lucien speaker now

 ** **Festus:**** by the night mother read the damn tenets

 ** **Lucien:**** ill carve them on your apple

 ** **Vicente:**** is that innuendo

 ** **Lerexus:**** the only time you want it to be innuendo

 ** **Astrid:**** should i embrace this knowledge

 ** **Lucien:**** whenever there is an apple say yes

 ** **Speaker Terenus:**** you poisoned it didnt you

 ** **Lucien:**** i dont know anymore

 ** **Festus:**** either fucking way were getting a happy ending

 ** **Astrid:**** aw


	7. Something Important Before You Decide To End Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it was about time for a guest and who better than Cicero? Unfortunately, since these assassins like to irritate each other to the point that they take up an entire chapter, he has only one line at the end…so you’ll have to wait until the next one for more of him!

****Speaker Terenus:**** i thought i should let you all know something important

****Speaker Terenus:**** before you decide to end me

****Lerexus:**** i sense skulduggery

****Festus:**** shut up

****Astrid:**** it begins

****Lucien:**** wouldnt be a real day without this

****Astrid:**** true

****Vicente:**** please allow our esteemed speaker to continue

****Festus:**** how about no

****Lucien:**** why not

****Festus:**** itll be shit whatever he says

****Vicente:**** why are you so mean

****Astrid:**** we looked into it and its still a mystery

****Lerexus:**** have you tried asking the night mother

****Astrid:**** she refused to talk to me

****Festus:**** guess why

****Lucien:**** did you get cicero to ask

****Astrid:**** yeah but he refused to tell me what she said

****Lerexus:**** i think we have found the common denominator

****Astrid:**** its not me

****Astrid:**** it is me isnt it

****Lucien:**** we have a breakthrough

****Vicente:**** be nice and forgiving

****Vicente:**** she can learn from her mistakes

****Speaker Terenus:**** im so glad you mentioned cicero

****Lucien:**** oh no

****Astrid:**** why him

****Astrid:**** anybody but him

****Festus:**** fucking jesters

****Vicente:**** looking forward to it

****Lucien:**** youre upbeat about everything

****Vicente:**** not everything

****Lucien:**** no but its still infuriating

****Lucien:**** why did i ever let you join our club

****Lerexus:**** club sounds too joyous

****Vicente:**** club is the perfect word

****Festus:**** somebody slice his arteries with stylish elan and let me watch

****Lerexus:**** thats very specific

****Festus:**** can you relate to me now lucien

****Lucien:**** a little bit

****Lerexus:**** terenus is this punishment

****Speaker Terenus:**** no

****Lerexus:**** are you suuuuuuuuuure

****Speaker Terenus:**** no

****Vicente:**** we all need some positive vibes

****Vicente:**** i believe cicero will spread the joy

****Astrid:**** i know you fear being ended speaker

****Astrid:**** but you should relax because were ending vicente first

****Festus:**** does ending either of them involve fire and imperials

****Astrid:**** okay i need a new plan

****Lerexus:**** would have loved to see that

****Lucien:**** how about trying onions and leeks

****Lucien:**** itd be nostalgic eh vicente

****Vicente:**** sithis forbid

****Vicente:**** dont remind me of antoinetta please

****Lerexus:**** who is that

****Vicente:**** she always forgot to keep onions and leeks out of my meals

****Vicente:**** almost killed me on several occasions

****Festus:**** i like her

****Festus:**** wheres she now

****Lucien:**** dead by my orders

****Lucien:**** i made my silencer do it

****Festus:**** you bastard

****Astrid:**** i cant imagine you getting along with anyone lucien

****Lucien:**** i managed to get along with my silencer until they accidentally framed me for murdering the black hand

****Lucien:**** but that wasnt their fault so i forgave them

****Vicente:**** then died in the most horrible way

****Vicente:**** but it was all good because we got to hang out again

****Lucien:**** by sithis

****Lerexus:**** take notes astrid

****Lerexus:**** that is how you do betrayal

****Astrid:**** im taking notes okay im taking notes

****Festus:**** if you fucking read them is another matter

****Astrid:**** i read

****Festus:**** when

****Astrid:**** when i have time

****Lucien:**** when you arent betraying everyone

****Astrid:**** unfair i was a fine leader

****Festus:**** until the betrayal

****Lucien:**** this is our point astrid

****Astrid:**** oh you all shut up

**_**Speaker Terenus** _ ** _added_ **_**Cicero** _ ** _to the group_

****Cicero:**** im heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere

****Festus:**** shit he actually did it

****Astrid:**** vicente youre safe for now too

****Astrid:**** END CICERO FIRST


End file.
